Learning to Sit in the Silence

This week felt exposing.

Communication has always been the skill that intimidates me most. Not because I don’t value it, but because I care about it so deeply. I want to get it right. I want to express myself clearly. I want to be understood.

But I found out that the real work isn’t in speaking, it’s in listening.

The art of active listening

Active listening. I’ve heard the phrase so many times before that it almost sounded simple. But when I slowed down and tried it, I realised how demanding it truly is. Active listening requires a clear mind. It requires presence. It asks me to suspend judgement, let go of assumptions, and give someone my full attention, not the kind of attention where I’m quietly preparing my reply, but the kind where I am genuinely available. That’s harder than it sounds.

The silence I try to fill

Nancy Kline’s work in Time to Think described behaviours that create a thinking environment: attention, equality, ease, appreciation, encouragement, acknowledging feelings, welcoming difference, asking incisive questions, and creating safety. The one that unsettled me most was ease, or allowing silence.

Silence reveals so much about me. It exposes my discomfort, my impulse to help, my need to contribute something useful, my fear that if I don’t say something quickly enough, I might lose control of the conversation. But in coaching, silence isn’t awkward. It’s generous, it gives the other person space to think, and thinking is where insight lives. I've realised that when I rush to fill the silence, I may be interrupting someone’s breakthrough. That’s confronting.

Changing my internal narrative

This week also challenged my understanding of communication itself. I’ve often equated good communication with sharing information clearly, but perhaps communication is mostly about understanding what’s being said, and what isn’t. It’s about tone, posture, presence.

According to Mehrabian’s research, words make up only a small fraction of how a message is received. The rest is voice and mostly, body language. That’s oddly reassuring to me. English isn’t my first language, and I’ve sometimes felt that I have to work harder to articulate myself perfectly, but if communication is mostly about presence and intention, then perhaps perfection isn’t the goal: Authenticity is.

Still, I notice how full my mind can be with assumptions ready, responses forming before the other person has finished speaking. Moving from “I need to respond” to “I need to understand” is a mindset shift I’m now consciously practising.

Trust: More fragile than I thought

Building trust with a coachee is not a single action, but a continuous process. Confidentiality and clear agreements are the foundation, but beyond that, trust grows through focus, empathy, congruence, and empowerment. It grows when someone feels equal, not evaluated. So what happens when trust isn’t fully there?

Perhaps the first step is to acknowledge it, not ignore it, not push through it. Acknowledge it. Then find common ground, such as shared values, shared experiences, shared humanity. Questions such as:

• What makes you feel authentic?

• What frustrates you most?

• What makes you feel good about yourself?

  
  

These aren’t just questions, they are invitations to reveal something real.

Another subtle but important reflection for me was the distinction between empathy and compassion. Empathy is being with someone in their feelings, but compassion is being for them. As a coach, I understand that my role is not to carry someone’s emotional load or rescue them. It’s to believe in their capacity while standing alongside them. That distinction protects both the client and the coach.

Difficult conversations: What we don’t say

There is often a gap between what’s in our head and what we actually say. Inside, there can be judgement, assumptions about intentions, even quiet blame. Outside, we may present calm words. Every conversation contains two layers: the internal and the external.

This week, I reflected on three important lenses:

• Is this truth, or my interpretation?

• Am I assuming I know their intentions?

• Am I slipping into blame instead of curiosity?

  
  

Feelings are central, not distractions, but they are signals, and beneath feelings often sits identity, what feels threatened or at risk for each person involved. Holding these layers with care feels like walking a tightrope. Coaching requires balancing support with challenge and comfort with growth, and it needs to be managed thoughtfully.

The power of questions (and my discomfort with them)

A powerful question shifts thinking. It is personal, resonant, simple, and free from hidden agendas. Using approaches like Clean Language, where the coach uses the client’s exact words and metaphors, feel both elegant and disciplined. It prevents from inserting own interpretation too quickly. It should be subtle, to keep ownership with the client.

It is tempting to reframe, suggest, interpret, to help, to fix. So resisting that impulse is an ongoing practice.

Understanding my own ego states

Learning about Transactional Analysis (TA) added another layer of self-awareness.

Parent. Adult. Child.

Controlling. Nurturing. Adapted. Free.

Whilst exploring this topic, I could visualise in my head moments where I slip into a nurturing parent, wanting to care, maybe even over-care. Or an adapted child, wanting approval. The aim is to return to the Adult state: neutral, present, objective.

This model feels empowering because it suggests behaviour isn’t fixed. Patterns are habitual, and habits can change.

What I’m taking forward

My biggest takeaway this week is simple but profound: Communication is more about listening than talking. When we truly listen, we communicate respect, belief in the other person’s ability to think. We communicate equality. I’m not pretending this comes naturally to me yet. Silence still feels uncomfortable, my assumptions still surface quickly, and I still prepare replies in my head.

But I am aware of it now, and awareness is the beginning of change.

If I want to be the kind of coach who creates space for transformation, I must first become comfortable creating space, even when it’s quiet. Especially when it’s quiet.

Written by YS