Reading the room: Energy shifts, emotions and learning to hold the space

Reflections on emotional intelligence (EI), self-awareness and my developing coaching practice.

Image Credit: transformationacademy.com

One of the biggest lessons from my coaching apprenticeship so far is that coaching is not just about what someone says. It is also about what changes during the conversation.

The pauses, the change in tone, the sudden enthusiasm when someone discovers an idea but also the frustration when they feel stuck. Sometimes, the quiet shift that happens when someone finally feels heard, it is there. I've been reflecting on how I recognise these changes in energy, how I respond to them, and perhaps more importantly, how my own emotions influence the space I create.

Recognising energy shifts in coaching

Looking back at my recent coaching sessions, I've started noticing how energy can change throughout a conversation. In one session, a coachee spoke about feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and unappreciated at work. The conversation initially carried a sense of frustration and helplessness, but as we explored their experiences, they began recognising how their reluctance to ask for support and the need for recognition were influencing the situation. What struck me was how the energy appeared to shift when they moved from describing everything happening to them towards considering what might be within their control.

This specific session also challenged me personally. Having experienced similar workplace difficulties, I noticed my instinct to reassure and share my own experiences, and when I reflected afterwards, it made me question whether my desire to help had influenced the direction of the conversation to some extent.

Was I responding to what the coachee needed, or to my own discomfort with seeing someone struggle?

That question has stayed with me. In another session, a coachee arrived feeling overwhelmed by career possibilities and afraid of making the wrong decision. As we explored the options, the conversation gradually moved towards clarity. They identified one achievable priority and developed a practical plan. Their energy seemed to shift from uncertainty towards determination. By the end, they rated their commitment as 10 out of 10.

This reminded me that sometimes the most valuable outcome of coaching is not finding the perfect answer, but helping someone feel confident enough to take the next step.

Emotional intelligence starts with me

I've always considered empathy one of my strengths. I genuinely care about people, and I find it relatively natural to recognise when someone is anxious, frustrated, excited or uncertain, but I'm learning that empathy and EI are not quite the same thing.

Empathy helps me connect with someone else's experience. EI also requires me to recognise what is happening within myself and manage how I respond. Through my reflections, I've noticed that I'm comfortable exploring emotions such as anxiety, self-doubt, uncertainty and excitement. What I find more challenging is holding emotions such as helplessness, distress or frustration when there is no immediate solution. My natural instinct is to reassure, encourage or move towards action. I want the coachee to leave feeling better.

But does that always serve them?

Sometimes, by moving too quickly towards a solution, I may unintentionally interrupt an important moment of reflection. I'm learning constantly that holding space means being comfortable with emotions I cannot fix, and recognising that they are not mine to fix.

Reading energy beyond coaching: The team meeting

Another part of my learning is considering how these skills transfer into everyday leadership and team interactions. Team meetings provide an opportunity to observe shifts in energy without being the person facilitating a coaching conversation.

I want to become more intentional about noticing what happens when different topics are introduced, when someone shares an idea, when challenges are discussed or when decisions need to be made. For example, does the atmosphere become more animated when people discuss progress or achievements? Does the conversation slow down when workload or uncertainty is mentioned? Does someone who was contributing confidently become quieter when a difficult subject arises?

What draws my attention to these changes might be body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, the pace of conversation or simply a noticeable change in participation. Thought it's important to emphasize that observing a shift in energy is not the same as knowing what someone is feeling. Someone becoming quiet doesn't necessarily mean they are disengaged. They might be processing information, reflecting or simply listening.

My challenge is to remain curious rather than making assumptions. At future team meetings, I intend to observe these moments more consciously, paying attention to when the energy changes, what might have prompted it and how I respond. I also want to notice whether my own energy changes in response to others.

Reflecting through Schön's model

Schön's concepts of reflection-in-action and reflection-on-action have been useful in helping me understand my development.

Reflection-in-action is becoming more aware of what is happening during a conversation.

For example, noticing when a coachee becomes hesitant, when their enthusiasm increases or when my own instinct to provide reassurance appears. It means recognising those moments and consciously deciding whether to ask another question, allow silence or change my approach.

Reflection-on-action happens afterwards, when I review the session and ask myself what changed in the coachee's energy and when, what I noticed and what I missed, how was my response to the coachee's emotions or my interpretation of them, my own feelings and how it could have influenced the direction of the conversation, and finally, what I could do differently next time.

Using this model to reflect is helping me move beyond evaluating whether a session went well and towards understanding why certain moments were effective or challenging.

My beliefs about emotions

I believe emotions are valuable sources of information and they often reveal what matters to us, what we value, what we fear, and where change might be needed. I also believe that professional environments sometimes encourage us to separate emotions from work, as though feeling frustrated, anxious or vulnerable makes us less capable.

However, my experiences have taught me otherwise. The way I see it, emotions are part of being human, and acknowledging them can create opportunities for greater understanding and connection. This belief helps me approach coaching with empathy and openness, but I also understand that it can become a limitation when my desire to support someone leads me towards reassurance or advice.

Moving forward

As I continue developing as a coach, I want to become more intentional about recognising emotional and energy shifts without immediately trying to change them. I want to practise being more comfortable with silence, asking fewer but more purposeful questions, and allowing coachees to explore their emotions at their own pace.

Also, developing greater awareness of my own emotional responses, especially when a coachee's experience connects closely with something I have personally experienced.

Beyond coaching, I want to apply this awareness in team meetings and everyday interactions, recognising how the energy within a group can influence communication, participation and relationships. Perhaps the lesson here for me is that EI is not about always knowing what someone feels or having the right response, but about being aware enough to notice, curious enough to explore and disciplined enough not to make someone else's experience about my own.

I'm beginning to understand that sometimes the most powerful thing I can do as a coach is not to change the energy in the room, but to understand it, respect it and allow the coachee to decide what happens next.

Written by YS